you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
