And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
