I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
