Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
