when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
