From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
