I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
