I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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