wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
