I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
