On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
