I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
