Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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