Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
