I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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