oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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