i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
