Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
