I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
