Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
