omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
