My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
