First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
