The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize