1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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