I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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