i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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