i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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