i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
