now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just want to make out with him forever
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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