that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
