You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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