i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
