Umm I'm too high to move.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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