Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
