Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
