ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
