her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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