you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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