his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
