absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
