I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
