Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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