Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize