Me too!
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
