You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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