There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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