how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He passed out mid-signature
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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