OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
