did you get engaged???
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
