Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
