There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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