You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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