my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
