how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
