Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I could make wine with my vomit
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
