guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
