If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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