The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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