Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
