so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize