i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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